


Starving For Love

by cybercandy



Series: Beauty Is Skin Deep [2]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Incest, M/M, drug abuse (sleeping pills), hints at m/m sex, seriously a lot of ANGST, unhealthy eating habits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-28
Updated: 2012-07-28
Packaged: 2017-11-10 22:05:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/471198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cybercandy/pseuds/cybercandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Jared's POV of the story <i> Beauty Is Skin Deep</i>. It works as a stand-alone, but to get both sides you'll probably want to read that, too.</p><p>  <i>Jared loves Shannon so much his whole body aches, but as much he wants to he just doesn't find his brother attractive like that. He still loves him, still wants him, but doesn't - can't - want his body if Shannon keeps putting on weight.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Starving For Love

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt
> 
>  _Jared Letos disordered eating._ AND _42 Ways to break up with someone: I gained weight and you are shallow._
> 
> DISCLAIMER: It's all lies. For all I know Jared is naturally skinny and perfectly healthy and most definitely is not in a relationship with his brother. I made it all up.

Jared hears Shannon rustling around in the kitchen. He can't believe that his brother is hunting for food _again_ , they only had lunch two hours ago and Shannon has stuffed his face with pizza and a salad, while Jared only picked at the salad and totally ignored the pizza. And now Shannon is about to eat a big slice of cheesecake. Jared's mouth waters at the sight, it looks really good and he wishes he could have one as well, but that’s not possible. He’s already eaten too much today.

"Are you sure you want to eat this?"

Jared leans against the kitchen counter as casually as possible. He can't help himself, can't stop the words escape from his mouth. Yes, the cake looks delicious but it has at least 300 calories and, to be frank, Shannon’s waistline has expanded quite a bit recently. Shannon examines the cake in his hand and gives him a blank stare. 

"Why?"

“Because… um… you’ve put on a bit of weight recently.”

Jared tries his best to not stare at the love handles clearly visible underneath Shannon's tight t-shirt, it’s really tight now, wasn’t quite as tight a month or so ago. He fails, eyes darting to Shannon’s midsection. Shannon looks down on his body, obviously not seeing what Jared is seeing, and just shrugs.

“I’ll start working out in a week or so. Can I please eat my cake now?”

He takes a big bite out of the calorie and sugar packed slice. Jared knows it will go straight to his hips, another addition to the flab that has been settling there since they have stopped touring. All Jared can do is huff and grab a fruit salad from the fridge before storming out, he’s too hungry now to last until the evening and it’s all Shannon’s fault. Back in the studio he eats the fruit as slow as possible, making every bite last. He also takes a big swig out of his water bottle, it fills the void until they have dinner and looks at his reflection in the glass. He’s as slim as he was when the tour finished. He knows he’s still the same weight because he checks every morning. And every evening. It’s slightly obsessive and not entirely healthy, but as long as he doesn't lose any more weight no one is going to say anything. His BMI is at the lowest end of what is considered normal. He makes sure it is and that it stays there. 

Shannon always had a tendency to get a little chubby, with different proportions and more prone to add muscle as well as fat than Jared he never looks as slim even if he hits the gym every day. They all lost weight when touring, Shannon even more so with the workout he got every night they were on stage. He looked hot as hell during the last leg, all toned and slimmer than he had been for a long time. Jared just couldn't keep his hands off him, had to touch him all the time, feeling the same attraction to his brother’s body that he felt to his brother’s mind, a balance that unfortunately wasn’t there all the time. Like right now. Even though Jared would never admit this to anyone, Shannon’s tendency to lose weight on tour was part of the reason why he made the decision to be on the road as much as they were. Yes, he loves their fans, but he loves his brother more. Much more, a lot more than is regarded as appropriate by society's standards. Jared has been in love with Shannon from the first second he remembers, has wanted him since he knew what lust felt like. It took them so long to acknowledge this, but now it is perfect.

Perfect if it wasn't for his brother's propensity to put on weight and not care. 

Jared tries to make his point, watching Shannon and catching him in the kitchen when he’s rummaging around for food between meals, giving him dirty looks. But it doesn't work. Shannon just laughs and eats whatever he wants. Jared even tries taping a list of calories to the fridge, congratulating himself for taking a more subtle approach. But Shannon keeps eating and putting on weight. 

The biggest problem is that Shannon still wants Jared, wants to touch and kiss and fuck, just like when they were on tour. But it isn't like it was on tour, Shannon's _body_ isn't like it was on tour. As much as Jared wants to, and it’s almost killing him, he just doesn't find his brother attractive like that. He still loves him, still wants him, but doesn't - can't - want his body.

Jared tries to ignore it, tells himself that if he really loves his brother he should be able to love him no matter what he looks like. But feeling the soft layer of fat covering once hard, toned muscles, seeing Shannon’s little belly just puts him off. He pretends to be busy when Shannon approaches him, lust in his eyes, and avoids bodily contact as much as possible to not encourage Shannon to want sex, aware that he is pushing his brother away. He makes excuses to turn the light off on the rare occasions they do fuck, brought on because Shannon is persistent and Jared is too horny and desperate to say no, and only crawls into Shannon's bed when his room is dark, but even that isn't working because he can still _feel_ Shannon. They way Shannon looks when Jared rejects him almost tears him apart inside, but as much as he wants to, he just can't fuck his brother like this. He lies there and waits for it to be over, for Shannon to come so that he can get up and sneak into his own bed. Jared is glad when Shannon stops asking, stops touching, stops wanting because that means Jared can stop making excuses. Shannon looks at with a mix of sadness and disappointment, making Jared’s stomach churn. It’s hurting like hell, but after a while Shannon doesn't try to get Jared’s affection anymore and Jared buries the guilt deep inside.

Instead of having sex with Shannon, Jared jacks off over photos he’s taken of Shannon on tour. He wants his brother so bad and just can’t have him, he’s yearning for touch, for skin, for comfort. Which is why Jared doesn't say no when he gets an email from an ex letting him know that he’s coming to LA and asking if Jared wants to hook up for a night, for good old times’ sake and no strings sex. Shannon has gone out with his friends, he's asked Jared if he wants to come along knowing that Jared would decline. He looks relieved when Jared does, although his eyes get this sad expression again. Jared tries to shrug it off, puts it down as Shannon being disappointed that Jared doesn't want to join him, but he knows the rejection runs much deeper. He’s almost relieved when the door clicks shut and grabs his phone to let his ex know that the coast is clear. 

It should be fun. Easy, no-strings fun. His ex is as pretty, slim and toned as Jared remembers him, easy to talk to and easy to fuck. Jared tells himself that it doesn't feel like he is cheating on his brother, that he doesn't imagine it is Shannon inside him instead of his ex and that he doesn't have to bite his tongue to not cry out his brother's name when he comes. He only realises in the morning that he’s left the door to his room slightly ajar.

His ex is long gone by the time Shannon gets up, Jared’s made sure he is. Shannon looks hung over and absolutely wrecked when he pads into the kitchen and Jared can’t look him in the eyes, sure that if he does his brother will know. He’s messing with the coffee machine instead, his hands need something to do and they both need coffee. 

“How was your night?”

Shannon is trying to sound casual, but Jared can hear the strain in his voice.

“T’was alright. Finished some stuff ‘n watched a movie.”

Jared has started to cut up an apple and he’s gripping the knife so tight his knuckles go white. It’s hard to pretend everything is normal, he hates lying to Shannon but can’t tell him the truth because it would hurt too much. His stomach cramps, he’s going to throw up if he’s not careful, and he tries to convince himself it’s because he hasn't eaten since yesterday noon, not because guilt is eating away at his insides. He wants Shannon to go away, stop looking at him like that.

“I know you had someone over last night” Shannon blurts out and Jared almost drops the knife. 

_Fuck._

“I… it was just… it was nothing…” and he wishes it didn’t come out sounding like it was, because it truly wasn’t. 

“I’m pretty sure it was nothing if you kick him out before dawn.” Shannon’s voice is dripping with sarcasm. 

“Am I really that repulsive?” 

The words hit like a whip. Shannon is glaring at him, Jared feels his gaze like needles on his skin. Jared makes himself as small possible, fewer surface for Shannon to stab him with his eyes.

“I… just don’t find you attractive anymore. You’re… all... flabby…”

It doesn’t sound right said this way. It’s not what he really means, although it is the truth.

“Hey, I’ve put on a few pounds, mainly the ones I have lost on tour. But I’m still the same person, Jared. I thought after all these years you might care about my inner values?”

Jared wants Shannon to stop talking because he feels tears hot in his eyes and his throat is closing up and he finally looks up to meet Shannon’s gaze.

“I can’t _fuck_ your inner values!” 

And this really came out wrong. Jared wants to scream that he loves Shannon so much it makes him dizzy just thinking about it, that he can’t be without him, needs him to keep him grounded, that he wants Shannon so much his whole body aches but that he just _can’t_ touch him if Shannon looks like this. He doesn’t say anything, though, because sobs are choking his throat and he’s going to puke any second now, so he runs out of the kitchen and up the stairs to his room. He bolts straight into his bathroom but he doesn’t have enough food inside his stomach to actually throw up, all he manages are some dry heaves before he crawls to his bed. All he wants to do is lie there and pass out, not think about what just happened and what he just said. He tries lying still, willing himself to go to sleep, but it’s not working because he only got up a few hours ago. His stomach grumbles again, he’s so hungry, so completely empty. Usually he would enjoy this feeling, the power it gives him because he’s the one that decides when he eats, _if_ he eats, but now the emptiness is more than hunger. He’s scared that he has lost Shannon, that Shannon will stop loving him, that he will leave Jared because he can’t love him back they way Shannon loves Jared.

Shannon never seemed to care what Jared looked like. He held him when Jared was delirious with hunger and too strung out to think during _Requiem_ , he even wanted to fuck Jared when he put on all the weight for _Chapter 27_. Jared had been too disgusted by his own body to even touch himself but Shannon still wanted him. Jared couldn’t wait to lose all that fat again, he knew losing it the way he did was the worst possible way and he still paid for that, but he had been so desperate to feel, to touch, to fuck Shannon again that he couldn’t think straight anymore.

Jared can hear Shannon walking around downstairs and he knows he has to go and talk to him. But not just yet, he isn’t ready, his thoughts are in too much of a mess. Jared tries reading for a while but he can’t concentrate and then he remembers the sleeping pills hidden away in the bottom drawer of his bedside table. He doesn’t take them very often because they knock him out cold for at least 12 hours, but now that’s exactly what he wants. 

It’s dark outside when Jared wakes up, he’s slept for what feels like forever and needs to piss so bad from all the water he’s been drinking that his lower body hurts. He stumbles to the toilet, still fuzzy from sleep. The alarm tells him it’s almost 2 o’clock at night and the light coming out of Shannon’s room tells him his brother is still awake. He contemplates going over to talk to him, but decides against it and flees into sleep once more.

The next time Jared wakes up it’s light outside, late in the morning. The house is quiet and he assumes his brother has gone out, which suits him fine. He still doesn’t know if he can face Shannon, doesn’t even know if he can face getting out of bed. He lets his hands slide down his body, across his ribcage, feeling the ladder of bone through skin, enjoying how his stomach is almost concave when he’s lying down, fingers grazing the outline of his hips. He lazily strokes himself a few times, but he’s not in the mood to let it go anywhere. His stomach is a tight knot and this time Jared knows it’s hunger. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands up. Dizziness hits him straight away, makes dots dance in front of his eyes and his vision blur out at the edges and he needs to sit down to let it pass or he’ll risk fainting. He puts on jeans and a t-shirt, the jeans slide down a bit on his hips, which means he’s lost weight, and it makes him smile.

The kitchen smells of food, Shannon probably made himself pancakes, and Jared’s mouth waters so much he has to swallow a few times. He wants to eat so bad, he knows he needs to eat. But he doesn’t. He just can’t, because if he eats now he’ll eat too much, won’t be able to stop. And he doesn’t deserve to eat, not with how he treated Shannon. It’s ironic that something that comes so easy to his brother, so effortlessly, almost too easy, is such a struggle for him. Jared makes himself a cup of herbal tea, hot liquid to calm down his stomach, delay having to eat for a few more hours. Just a few more hours. Punishment for what he’s done and affirmation that he’s still in control.

He’s sitting on the sofa reading when Shannon comes back later in the afternoon and his first reflex is to jump up and disappear into his room. He gets halfway up then flops back down on the sofa because this time his vision actually blurs out and his legs give in. Shannon is by his side in an instant.

“Are you alright?” He sounds worried. Really worried. Jared can’t believe his brother still cares if he’s alright.

“m’fine” he mumbles, but he knows it doesn’t look like he is because he isn’t.

“Have you eaten?” Typically of his brother that this is the first thing he thinks about. 

Jared contemplates lying, he lies about it so much it’s almost second nature, but Shannon is looking him straight in the eyes and Jared can’t. He shakes his head, almost unnoticeable, but Shannon sees. Five minutes later he’s back from the kitchen with a bowl of vegetable soup in his hands.

“Eat.” Shannon orders.

Jared grabs the bowl, lifts it to his lips and takes a careful sip. It smells and tastes so good, he shouldn’t have to fight so hard to actually swallow it down. He sips again and again and suddenly he can’t stop until the whole bowl is gone. 

“m’sorry” he stammers. Shannon gives him a blank stare.

“What for?”

“What I said yesterday... in the kitchen... I... I didn’t mean it like that” he tries.

“How did you mean it, then?” Shannon sounds hurt. Of course he sounds hurt.

And then the words spill from Jared’s mouth, trying to explain, trying to make Shannon see. Trying to make him understand that Jared still loves him more than he can take and that he wants to make it alright, that he wants to want Shannon but can’t if he keeps putting on weight.

Shannon lets him talk, listens quietly and intently. He doesn’t say anything when Jared has finished, just looks at him. There are tears streaming down Jared’s face and his body is shaking with panic. Jared thinks he’s just going get up now, leave him for good because how can he still bear being around him?

But all Shannon does is draw him close, Jared’s head against his shoulder and Jared knows all is not lost, Shannon still cares. Shannon still loves Jared and knows Jared still loves Shannon.

And maybe, maybe, it will be alright in the end.


End file.
